Every relationship has arguments.
Maybe it’s money. Maybe it’s chores. Maybe it’s because somebody keeps leaving ONE SIP of milk in the carton so technically they don’t have to throw it away.
But psychologists say there are four specific behaviors that could signal bigger trouble in a relationship.
They’re sometimes called the “Four Horsemen” of relationships because when they start showing up regularly, you might want to pay attention.
1. Criticism
There’s a big difference between complaining about something your partner did and attacking who they are as a person.
“You forgot to take out the garbage” addresses the problem.
“You NEVER remember anything” turns it into a character attack.
And suddenly you’re not arguing about garbage anymore. You’re arguing about something that happened at Thanksgiving in 2019.
2. Contempt
This includes eye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm and talking down to your partner.
Contempt is considered the most dangerous of the four because it communicates something beyond anger. It suggests you think you’re better than the other person.
Also, if your partner can actually hear your eyes rolling, you may have reached an advanced level.
3. Defensiveness
This happens when every complaint is immediately met with an excuse, counterattack or blame.
“You forgot to pay the electric bill.”
“Well, YOU forgot to pick up dog food last week!”
Congratulations. The dog has now been subpoenaed into an argument about Consumers Energy.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when someone emotionally checks out of the conversation.
They stop responding, refuse to engage or completely shut down.
Toddlers are naturally gifted at this. So are people staring at their phones pretending they didn’t hear the question.
Does This Mean Your Relationship Is Doomed?
No.
Experts say noticing these behaviors doesn’t automatically mean a relationship is headed for disaster. The important part is recognizing when they’re happening and learning healthier ways to handle disagreements.
Because couples are going to argue.
The trick is making sure an argument over dirty dishes doesn’t somehow end with:
“AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT YOUR MOTHER...”
